Sunday, December 04, 2005
Idiots on my stage
I'll let you know how the story unfolds.
Friday, December 02, 2005
In the presence of idiots
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Vege Challenge: The Winner!...well okay, third place
Second base with the devil...
after many sleepless nights and ethical mind cramps i believe that we've almost reached a decision in the MammothBookstore Inc.* "health expert" process. after meeting yesterday with a little twat that i could easily see fitting into the Mammoth environment, i became swayed by the promise of free books and expert recognition. now i know i know, i should be able to control myself but i am an honest to god bibliophile. i'll admit it. the thought of boxes of free books coming in every month sends little excited chills up my spine.
back in the day i used to do processing for a public library system, and every friday we'd have four huge boxes full of new materials...it was pretty much christmas morning for me every friday.
....but i digress.
eh hem (that means clearing of the throat), Mammoth owns my soul. may the book gods forgive me for my sins.
*name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely me.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
A few fun things that happened at the airport...
1. the customs man who believed that my hot rollers contained some type of explosive device and insisted that i demonstrate how they worked before allowing me through to wander the duty free.
2. the CHEAP liquer that i was able to take advantage of upon entering said duty free. hello kahlua.
3. americans. i mean c'mon. they have flat, nasaly accents. they wear huge pyjama pants and still manage to show their panty lines and they eat amounts of food that enable you to actually hear their intestines straining.
4. magazine stands. it doesn't matter that i have a hard drive full of work, three reports to read and a presentation to prepare...the sight of a wall plastered with novembers best magazine covers pretty much lures the cash from my wallet like a pedophile in a t-ball chat room.
5. starbucks. now i have to admit that on my flight from toronto to chicago i actually had the gall to ask the stewardess where i might find a starbucks once we landed...she guffawed at me and patted me on the head saying "aww, they let this little retarded girl fly all by herself today". i realized why this reaction was warranted once i step onto illinois land and practically tripped on a latte every twenty feet from then on.
good times. i love to travel.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
What do I love about North Carolina?
In North Carolina I'm skinnier. I like that.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Veg Challenge: the last supper...veggie style
breakfast: latte, yogurt, banana
lunch: veggie panzerotto, diet dr.pepper
dinner: buffet meal at le commensal (downtown veggie motherload)...absolutely delicious
Friday, September 30, 2005
Veg Challenge: Day 6
breakfast: very berry smoothy with energy boost powder (mmm i'm addicted to booster juice)
lunch: deep-fried tofu; vegetarian wonton soup (both from Vegetarian Haven)
dinner: miso soup; vegetable tempura; avocado roll; wine
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Veg Challenge: Day Five!!??
okay, today i started to crack. things were going well at breakfast (other than the whole fat content issue) but the catering was *amazing* today. therefore making it all the more difficult.
breakfast: soy latte; chocolate croissant; fruit bowl
lunch: portobello mushroom wrap; green salad; diet coke
dinner: ok. i have a story about dinner first. because i need to identify how insanely difficult it was for me to stay veg this evening. after our conference day today the lead team all went out for dinner (clearly on the expense account) to this very amazing moroccan restaurant. so we look over this deliciously short menu and i realize that there are only two vege entrees...and a TON of delicious looking lamb, beef and fish dishes. my mouth was quite literally watering.
i can't even really report on what it was that i finally ate, mostly because i didn't understand the language of the menu, and also because there were so many different ingrediants and spices in the dish that it was impossible to ascertain what was what.
but basically i had:
avocado, tomato and greens salad
some kind of rice, vegetable and fruit stew-like dish
creme caramel
2 glasses of shiraz.
totally delish though, meat or non.
Veg Challenge: Day Four
breakfast: half a bagel, cream cheese and jam; fruit salad; soy latte
lunch: a bit more difficult as i had to fight for the few vegetarian lunch entrees. finally elbowed my way to vege quiche and mixed salad.
dinner: two springrolls; fruit jellies and nacho dip (it was games night tonight - appetizers all around); three glasses of red wine.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Veg Challenge: Day Three
Lunch: Ham & cheese sandwich stripped of its ham....still not enough coffee
Dinner: Delicious indian vegetarian thali dinner, diet dr.pepper
....still going strong.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Veg Challenge: Day Two
but off topic...
lunch was back to the hot & sour soup, delicious, nutricious and 1.5 minutes of nuking away. no big whoop. dinner i was undecided if i would splurge on some indian takeaway or try to cook something up on my own. after running 5.6 km and realizing i was in no state to visit the local grocer, i decided to raid the fridge of veggie remnants and create a random pasta dish. garlic, tomatoes, red peppers, broccoli and rotini later...i was in business. and quite a delicious business at that. and i have to admit that it was all quite painless.
so far so good, and only five days to go. the tricky part will be negotiating the three business breakfasts & lunches i have lined up for the next three days....catering is usually quite skint with the vegetarian menu and i'm going to tire of egg salad pretty quickly i'll tell ya.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Vegetarian Challenge: Day One
day one menu:
breakfast: 4 mini cheese danishes (no one said vegetarians were low-fat); milk latte and cranberry juice
lunch: hot & sour soup; pretzels & hummus
dinner: the special at Vegetarian Haven, consisted of tofu balls with a ginger & mushroom sauce and shanghai noodles. totally delish. glass of red wine.
so far so good, other than the fact that my body is brimming with gas and i'm afraid that my bf will touch me for fear of ripping off a loud, disgusting fart... yah, other than that i'm doing great :)
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Who wrote these rules?
That being said, there are several rules that I find Torontonians live by. Rules that not only allow us to demonstrate some "urban-gentlemanliness" but also allow us to live our busy lives at the highest level of busyness possible. Here are a smattering of rules that I enjoy.
Stand right, walk left.
- most certainly one of the most common rules recognized daily and en masse. also an excellent way to differentiate your fellow urbanites from your tourists.
No talking on the subway.
- my friend pennington learned this one the hard way when he was severely shushed by me during a morning commute. i find this rule to be most commonly ignored by students, old chinese ladies and young eastern european ladies. i also feel the most intense hatred for violators of this rule, particularly on weekday mornings.
Make way for those exiting the car.
- another subway rule. and another one that inspires hatred and violence. people who stand in front of the subway door, or push to get on while there is a crowd pushing to get off...these people need to die horrible deaths. possibly a punch to the neck, a knife in the eye or even a swift push onto the tracks.
Internet dating is a standard way of life.
- now this is most certainly a personal one. mostly because i've met the love of my life through this handy little gem. suburbanites or people who live outside this city don't understand the hell that dating can be here. just because i'm crushed into a city of 4.5 million does not mean that i speak to more than 10, hell 5 of them. and the fact that internet dating has evolved passed the axe murderer taking out a personals ad in the local daily does not occur to them.
Dealing with beggars, leaflet distributors, whores and dealers.
- don't get me wrong, i fully support that this group is among the the lower caste of our society (leaving room for Rogers employees, Collection agencies and Scientologists), however they must be dealt with humanely and swiftly. there is a formula that must be followed in an interaction/altercation with any of these folks.
- Step 1: do not make eye contact until confirming that some type of interaction is being initiated on their part.
- Step 2: look them in the eye. if you're unsure of where the eye socket is due to dirt, hair, scar tissue, kohl liner or blackened flesh...simply look towards the highest point of the body.
- Step 3: politely, firmly and audibly say "No, thank you" or "Sorry, no" or "Thanks but I've got all the crack I need right now".
- Step 4: move swiftly beyond the interaction without any hesitation, without looking and without wondering if that crack addict really was looking to buy a coffee.
- Step 5: under no circumstances suggest that the instigator go get a job, go fuck themselves and/or propose some type of physical violence (unless it's the god-lover at dundas square)
That's my rules for now, I know that I'm missing many but I hope that this will be a good intro to gentlemanly/gentlewomanly living.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Through the eyes of chi'dren
A hooker. In a wide-legged stance with her dress up around her neck. Gyrating her hips in order to adjust herself in what can only be called large, turquoise briefs.
Now, the sight would not have been *so* odd if there hadn't clearly been a penis and ball sack inside of the turquoise briefs, being adjusted and flattened down to disappear under her leopard print sheath.
Ah, now that's sheer class in the city.
Monday, August 29, 2005
I just love goggle searching
However, all this experience was for naught when she entered the room looking eerily similar to Liz McDonald from Corrie. Aside from the 50-year old cleavage, the heavy perfume and the undone men's dress shirt, the clincher came when asked the following question:
Question: "Can you tell me how you go about finding quality information on the internet?"
Answer: "Well I just love Goggle. What did we ever do before Goggle."
There are no spelling errors here folks, she did indeed say...GOGGLE.
God i love shit like that.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Hell hath no fury...
What has been happening you may inquire to raise my blood pressure to such unhealthy levels?
Lovers quarrel?
Financial woes?
Life-threatening illness?
No. Nothing but the mere act of dealing with those in the profession of moving people.
All I have to say is...never again. I will rot and die inside these walls just to avoid this atrocious deed ever again.
...at least until next year.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Overheard in the office of a total raging bitch...
Librarian: Hi there, I need to speak to someone about the move that I scheduled for my phone services next week.
Rogers: Yes, Ms. Librarian I have your file in front of me how can I help?
L: Well, this being my fourth call since initially setting up this move, I was hoping that you could clarify something for me. Can you please tell me why I have two emails and a voice message confirming my scheduled move date of July 29th and today I received a voice mail indicating that my connection date has now been moved to August 22?
R: Could I put you on hold Ms.Librarian for one moment while I look into that?
L: Absolutely
[Librarian taps foot in time to the better part of a Go-Go's song]
R: Yes Ms.L it seems that your move has indeed been moved to August 22 and that's most likely due to the Bell technicians strike.
L: Excuse me?
[Silence]
L: Are you FUCKING kidding me!!?? [clearly a rhetorical question, not perceptable to Roger]
R: I'm sorry Ms.L but we need to have a technician come out to do something to the line outside of your condo...
L: Then why is it that the email in front of me clearly states that a technician does not need to come out?
R: [clearly at this point Roger is out of his territory because he becomes slightly incoherent and aside from the ringing in my ears all that i can hear are the words wires, technician, wires, do something, wires.....
L: Ok, ok [blood pressure rising] clearly this is beyond you and I understand that this isn't your fault. But I need to yell at someone right now so unfortunately that person is you. Can I just put in a formal complaint and say that this FUCKING SUCKS. That you guys have me by my balls right now and I have no option but for some guy to get off his ass and come do something to a wire [dripping with sarcastic and mocking tones] so that I can have a phone A MONTH after I move into my new place? I mean seriously, how is this possible? How can this be?
At this point librarian gets a little out of hand and starts ranting about having no control and how she though that by being so prepared ahead of time that she was saving herself this kind of bullshit, but that clearly she was wrong and has no control in the situation.
L. shakes her head as if full of cobwebs and comes back to reality...
L: Ok. Well that's that. Thanks so much for listening, I am now going to hang up the phone and continue screaming in the privacy of my own office.
R: Thank you Ms.L and I......
[As Ms.L was rapidly slamming her phone back in it's cradle she could barely make out R saying have a nice day and thank you for calling Rogers.]
L slams phone down and releases growl from deep within her corporate hating soul.
Look out VoIP...here I come.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Shaking hands with Satan
Now, the deal is a gracious one and potentially advantageous to both parties...yet I find myself dragging my lil' librarian heels.
And even as I prepare to line up at midnight for my copy of the new Harry Potter book (shut up) I still lament the stonghold that currently exists among the booksellers of Canada. Now Toronto is in a *slightly* better situation as we do have some choice among our booksellers depending on specialty, used books, vintage etc. But the rest of the country seems to be in a much more limited situation. For most people the concept of "one-stop shopping" has become the most convenient way to shop, and I myself have been known to frequent the Big Box stores, but I'm always brought back to the idea that absolute power corrupts absolutely.
As much as I'd like to hope that Ms.H wouldn't pull another "Mein Kampf" situation, who can know for sure? The woman has the ability to completely obliterate titles that she doesn't agree with, so who's to say that once she inevitably deals with cancer that she won't take a shining to some bizarro mexican electric prod therapy and impose her new favorite on the front shelf of her "Health Expert" shelf?
I'll tell you one thing, sometimes I think the woman could use a little prod therapy...knowwhatimsayin'? wink wing nudge nudge
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Why I'm driving the bus to hell...
Today while standing in line for my BLT wrap, a woman with one leg (most likely amputated due to the cancer she was being treated for) elbowed in front of me at the cash.The following thoughts were thunk by my evil brain:
- Oh, this poor hopalong sue doesn't understand what a line is, or more importantly that she belongs at the end of it.
- Jesus Christ, don't tell me that she thinks she can bud just because she's an amputee.
- Holy fucking shit, she's actually looking around and NOT apologizing for her appalling behaviour.
- Choke on your salmon sandwich and die, bitch.
Yes, apparently I am the most evil form of librarian. So jaded by the constant barrage of cancer information, patient sob stories and images of pussing melanoma that I no longer care for the one-leggeds of the world.
Whatever, deal with it. And leave me to eat my BLT in peace.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
The Librarian's Dilemma...Reality TV
But not this evening. After falling asleep while getting my eyelashes tinted (shut up, i am a girl remember) I went back to my Y&E abode and attempted to clean up/pack some junk. But it didn't really happen...I ended up eating the remnants of my fridge and getting sucked into a What Not To Wear marathon. The American version unfortunately, not my fave British version. So no flashing english lady boobs in the 360 room...just midgets wearing Dallas cowboy jersey's and snakeskin boots (seriously).
Really though...this show is MADE for chicks staying home on Friday nights. I LOVE IT. You get the embarrassment factor of following some hideous unknowing git through her week, then you get to identify with her (hey, i thought i was the only one to have fat there) and then you get to see her looking like a total sexpot. Or at the very least, not like a midget playing football....although midgets playing football would also be a really good time.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Overheard in the gutter
1. "so's i told him, well okay but if i gotta have a body cavity search then i want HER to do it"
2. a fat homeless woman (how this occurs is the subject for a future blog) was standing behind her man on the escalator down to the local lcbo, all the while turning her torso to and fro and smacking him with her rather immense bosoms. now, i'm not against a little homeless love (especially since I'm reading this amazing book), or a little escalator nookie....but c'mon. that was fucking sick.
i decided today to abandon my hotmail account. i am forsaking the msn behemoth and along with it my previous messenger account. no longer will i be haunted by the ghosts of past dating disasters or forgotten colleagues. sayonara msn.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The scent of a bleeding woman...
Why is this? Because a man wants what he can't have? Because it's natural predator instinct to impregnate gang-style? Sick.
And who is the woman that decides to leave the comfort and safety of her relationship to take up with the risk taking shark? Does she assume that she will find more happiness in the fins of another? Does she hope that she can maintain two sharks along with her sanity? Is she flattered by the attention seeking behavior of this new shark and see in him something that might be lacking or lagging in her own neck of the waters?
Who can say.
But I think I can definitively say that whoever came up with the old adage "there are plenty of fish in the sea" wasn't taking into account the fickel shark.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Overheard in the tundra
Old fat, flag-wearing lady: I wonder if they sell snow shoes in this store?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Overheard in Toronto part deux
Who: Two drunk, war-torn, homeless gentleman
What:
homeless homme une: c'mon, yer goin' the wrong way [while pulling homeless homme deux down an alleyway]
homeless homme deux: wha? you don't know.....[while falling drunkenly against alley wall]
hhu: yes i DO, now c'mon. hold my hand, i'll take you
hhd: fuck no man. we're drunk, we're not fucking gay.
god bless the homeless, even they know when to draw the line.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Overheard in Toronto
So last night tim was talking about this amazing site http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/ where people can record random crazy things that they've overheard on the streets of New York. Then today, while I was locked inside the train during a power outage I heard the saddest thing from a four year old girl;
"Daddy, this can't get any worse. First the burglar at home and now the power's out on the train, what could happen next?"
adorable. and we all know my general feelings toward the younger members of the human race...primarily that they should be kept indoors reading hardcovers until they're old enough to understand the rules of public transit. number one on that list being: no talking.
Friday, June 10, 2005
The big condo...
http://www.25maitland.ca/
it was quite george and the porn in the bathroom was a lovely touch i thought.
got a good idea of the space, where things could fit, and the different colours i might want to use. not sure if the exhibitionist windows should be covered or not. it is in wellesley village after all, maybe i'll inspire a drag queen somewhere...who knows.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
more meaningless ponderances (sp?)....
that's the kind of stuff that makes the proletariat blood boil.
but yah. things are going better in general. i still hate the fact that i basically need to sell myself everyday to prove that i'm worth it. and the fact that i've been filling my evenings doing (unpaid) work until midnight. so sad am i. in one final swoop i have plunged to the depths of pathos and on my way home purchased some sephora cinnamon bun bubble bath. just seeing those words now is making me hungry. i plan to soak away my woes and aching muscles in a bath of cinnamon sugar. god help me.
of course i forgot to hit the laura secord to pick up the valentine remnants. i could really go for a chocolate covered cherry right about now....
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Even librarians get the blues
bf is leaving today for business in the southwest. and it's not that i've ever really been one for valentines day, but that's mostly because i've never actually *had* anyone around to participate in that farce with me. so i'll most likely just go to the sdm and buy some caramel-filled hershey's kisses, wash it down with some little penguin cab and watch the bachelorette whilst hurling expletives at the tv. it'll be a good night for the cat as well.
the other option is to just get on with it, run a few miles, eat some sushi, read a little and hit the sack like any other normal night. better to go with the non-sad girl option i think. cab and caramel are usually a poor option altogether.
ran into the ex-bf last night while doing some smug late-night dinner searching with new bf. it was amazing. mostly because he was unable to hide his seething look of pure jealousy. i shouldn't be so petty as to revel in his misery. yet i do. but then again, real pettiness would involve posting his full name, address, phone number and pointing out the number of social inadequacies and complete lack of intimacy that he is capable of. so see, really not so petty after all.
i read my 2005 horoscope the other night and it actually said that this year would be a good time to get "accidentally pregnant". what the hell? since when did marie claire take it upon themselves to promote breeding? i thought that was left to jane. i decided not to read that part to the bf. i know how such suggestions make the skin crawl and the spidey-sense perk up to full on paranoia.
alright, it's 2:00 and i still haven't had breakfast. time to perk up the blood sugar.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Swimming or drowning? i can't tell...
i shouldn't even say that, because it wasn't like i actually got to spend 10 minutes in the library today without having to run out to another goddamn meeting.
started off with a ridiculous meeting that had nothing to do with me and i kinda felt like screaming most of the time that i was sitting there. if there was ever a day that i felt more like taking up smoking...it was today.
nonetheless, once i realized that i was tapping my foot waiting for the woman with breast cancer to shut the hell up i figured out that i needed to take a breath and step up. so despite the fact that it's 10:00pm and i'm still working...at least i've had a glass of red to chill me out.
they should teach wine appreciation in library school.
j. expects me to start working on a project that i kinda learned about at 9am this morning. just spent the last two hours installing the software and on the phone with techies. i wonder if he could hear the bachelorette in the background?
but at least i had an old ensure bar in my desk drawer today, so i got to have something for lunch.
thank god for small wonders.
i love my job.
really.
i do.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
First time for everything...
- a venue for library-related venting and discussion?
- somewhere to talk about how fascinating my life is?
- a place to post pictures of my cat and discuss the various fascinating elements of his existence in my life?
i think that i'd almost prefer to pretend that no one will ever be viewing these postings (shouldn't be hard) and that i can use it as an anonymous, yet intrinsically egotistical way to post my views on the world and my place within it.
and...done.