Thursday, July 21, 2005

Overheard in the office of a total raging bitch...

The following conversation could be heard outside the office of the librarian today.

Librarian: Hi there, I need to speak to someone about the move that I scheduled for my phone services next week.

Rogers: Yes, Ms. Librarian I have your file in front of me how can I help?

L: Well, this being my fourth call since initially setting up this move, I was hoping that you could clarify something for me. Can you please tell me why I have two emails and a voice message confirming my scheduled move date of July 29th and today I received a voice mail indicating that my connection date has now been moved to August 22?

R: Could I put you on hold Ms.Librarian for one moment while I look into that?

L: Absolutely

[Librarian taps foot in time to the better part of a Go-Go's song]

R: Yes Ms.L it seems that your move has indeed been moved to August 22 and that's most likely due to the Bell technicians strike.

L: Excuse me?
L: Are you FUCKING kidding me!!?? [clearly a rhetorical question, not perceptable to Roger]

R: I'm sorry Ms.L but we need to have a technician come out to do something to the line outside of your condo...

L: Then why is it that the email in front of me clearly states that a technician does not need to come out?

R: [clearly at this point Roger is out of his territory because he becomes slightly incoherent and aside from the ringing in my ears all that i can hear are the words wires, technician, wires, do something, wires.....

L: Ok, ok [blood pressure rising] clearly this is beyond you and I understand that this isn't your fault. But I need to yell at someone right now so unfortunately that person is you. Can I just put in a formal complaint and say that this FUCKING SUCKS. That you guys have me by my balls right now and I have no option but for some guy to get off his ass and come do something to a wire [dripping with sarcastic and mocking tones] so that I can have a phone A MONTH after I move into my new place? I mean seriously, how is this possible? How can this be?

At this point librarian gets a little out of hand and starts ranting about having no control and how she though that by being so prepared ahead of time that she was saving herself this kind of bullshit, but that clearly she was wrong and has no control in the situation.
L. shakes her head as if full of cobwebs and comes back to reality...

L: Ok. Well that's that. Thanks so much for listening, I am now going to hang up the phone and continue screaming in the privacy of my own office.

R: Thank you Ms.L and I......
[As Ms.L was rapidly slamming her phone back in it's cradle she could barely make out R saying have a nice day and thank you for calling Rogers.]

L slams phone down and releases growl from deep within her corporate hating soul.

Look out I come.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Shaking hands with Satan

I experienced a fairly typical plight in the experience of the Canadian librarian yesterday...the very odd relationship of the library vs. Chapters/Indigo (or as my bf calls it "Chaptigo"). A very generous offer/idea came across my desk involving a potential deal with the master of all evils herself aka. Heather. Or as I'm sure she'd like to be called The Heather, a la The Donald.
Now, the deal is a gracious one and potentially advantageous to both parties...yet I find myself dragging my lil' librarian heels.

And even as I prepare to line up at midnight for my copy of the new Harry Potter book (shut up) I still lament the stonghold that currently exists among the booksellers of Canada. Now Toronto is in a *slightly* better situation as we do have some choice among our booksellers depending on specialty, used books, vintage etc. But the rest of the country seems to be in a much more limited situation. For most people the concept of "one-stop shopping" has become the most convenient way to shop, and I myself have been known to frequent the Big Box stores, but I'm always brought back to the idea that absolute power corrupts absolutely.

As much as I'd like to hope that Ms.H wouldn't pull another "Mein Kampf" situation, who can know for sure? The woman has the ability to completely obliterate titles that she doesn't agree with, so who's to say that once she inevitably deals with cancer that she won't take a shining to some bizarro mexican electric prod therapy and impose her new favorite on the front shelf of her "Health Expert" shelf?

I'll tell you one thing, sometimes I think the woman could use a little prod therapy...knowwhatimsayin'? wink wing nudge nudge

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Why I'm driving the bus to hell...

Today while standing in line for my BLT wrap, a woman with one leg (most likely amputated due to the cancer she was being treated for) elbowed in front of me at the cash.The following thoughts were thunk by my evil brain:

  • Oh, this poor hopalong sue doesn't understand what a line is, or more importantly that she belongs at the end of it.
  • Jesus Christ, don't tell me that she thinks she can bud just because she's an amputee.
  • Holy fucking shit, she's actually looking around and NOT apologizing for her appalling behaviour.
  • Choke on your salmon sandwich and die, bitch.

Yes, apparently I am the most evil form of librarian. So jaded by the constant barrage of cancer information, patient sob stories and images of pussing melanoma that I no longer care for the one-leggeds of the world.

Whatever, deal with it. And leave me to eat my BLT in peace.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Librarian's Dilemma...Reality TV

So I find myself all alone on a Friday evening...quite unusual really. Usually I'm out with the bf or the bf & co. somewhere out in the city, eating dinner too late and generally drinking too much gin.
But not this evening. After falling asleep while getting my eyelashes tinted (shut up, i am a girl remember) I went back to my Y&E abode and attempted to clean up/pack some junk. But it didn't really happen...I ended up eating the remnants of my fridge and getting sucked into a What Not To Wear marathon. The American version unfortunately, not my fave British version. So no flashing english lady boobs in the 360 room...just midgets wearing Dallas cowboy jersey's and snakeskin boots (seriously).
Really though...this show is MADE for chicks staying home on Friday nights. I LOVE IT. You get the embarrassment factor of following some hideous unknowing git through her week, then you get to identify with her (hey, i thought i was the only one to have fat there) and then you get to see her looking like a total sexpot. Or at the very least, not like a midget playing football....although midgets playing football would also be a really good time.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Overheard in the gutter

a few utterances and events made my head swivel this fine evening down in the yonge/dundas vicinity. here's a smattering:

1. "so's i told him, well okay but if i gotta have a body cavity search then i want HER to do it"

2. a fat homeless woman (how this occurs is the subject for a future blog) was standing behind her man on the escalator down to the local lcbo, all the while turning her torso to and fro and smacking him with her rather immense bosoms. now, i'm not against a little homeless love (especially since I'm reading this amazing book), or a little escalator nookie....but c'mon. that was fucking sick.

i decided today to abandon my hotmail account. i am forsaking the msn behemoth and along with it my previous messenger account. no longer will i be haunted by the ghosts of past dating disasters or forgotten colleagues. sayonara msn.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The scent of a bleeding woman...

i've become convinced that beyond any type of hormonal, caveman explanation that there exists an actual scent that a woman gives off when she is in a committed, satisfying, mature, everything-she-could-ever-ask relationship. In the past week I have twice witnessed a group of women about town, half of them in relationships and the other half wanting to be. And without fail those without end up being ignored and mistreated as compared to the taken women, who are hunted and sought out like bleeding fish in a shark tank.
Why is this? Because a man wants what he can't have? Because it's natural predator instinct to impregnate gang-style? Sick.
And who is the woman that decides to leave the comfort and safety of her relationship to take up with the risk taking shark? Does she assume that she will find more happiness in the fins of another? Does she hope that she can maintain two sharks along with her sanity? Is she flattered by the attention seeking behavior of this new shark and see in him something that might be lacking or lagging in her own neck of the waters?
Who can say.
But I think I can definitively say that whoever came up with the old adage "there are plenty of fish in the sea" wasn't taking into account the fickel shark.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Overheard in the tundra

Leaving the Bay at the Eaton's Centre I overheard the following from a group of American tourists:

Old fat, flag-wearing lady: I wonder if they sell snow shoes in this store?