Saturday, December 30, 2006

Miscellaneous Christmas Memories

Other memories not be forgotten:

*Running into Rachel Bilson purchasing gifts in Indigo - I took a picture...but it was of her back.

*Creating the most elaborate gingerbread house this side of Connecticut.
* A Christmas morning full of illegal designer imitations.
* Jude expressing his hatred of my Dora books - apparently someone has told him they're only for girls...and he believes them.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Have yourself a whirlwind December

So clearly December has been a month of insanity, as it's been nearly 22 days since my last post.
To recap:
* I attended 3 useless office parties and 1 maddening dinner party
* Went to my first shiva
* Bought two pairs of dressy boots
* Watched 17 hours of the "Dog Whisperer"
* and drank approximately 1 litre of dark rum & eggnog.

My attitude this holiday season was best summed in the moment on Christmas Eve when I screamed "It's a fucking red light!" to a jaywalking Chinese man. I apologize to the baby jesus.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Blue Suede Christmas

This past weekend I had the fortune of riding the College St. streetcar for approximately 30 mins of pure stop & start joy. I say joy only because I was smart enough to remember to bring my ipod, thus shielding me from the old lady/holiday shopper/foul mouthed teenager that tried to destroy my happy travel time. Not only was I smart enough to remember the ipod, but also to fill said pod with the most wonderful sound to my human ear....CHRISTMAS MUSIC!
I freakin' love christmas music and have been known to start spinning the old Kenny & Dolly classic as early as November 3rd. This ride however, was made more pleasurable not by the erotic country duo but by the blue suede man himself. Yes, Elvis.
Now unlike others, I have not always been sold on the talents of Mr. Pelvis. My mother didn't swoon for him (Paul McC was another story) and his music was not a part of my childhood. I found his attempts at acting to be sorely lacking (as compared to John Travolta) and therefore never really gave him a second look.
HOWEVER all of that changed during the course of my streetcar ride when the pod shuffled over to the track "Blue Christmas". Have you ever heard this number? It's the closest thing to aural sex that I've experienced on the TTC. I can't exactly explain the chemical reaction that occurred in my body or the reasons why my brain tuned into this succession of melodic tones...all I know is that I was transfixed.
And Elvis was the sexiest thing on the train. Not that it was a hard competition.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Debbie Does Libraries

this story was posted in Wired Magazine (my new mag de jour) discussing the issue of accessing internet based porn in public libraries.

somewhat interesting story but certainly not a new issue. just another case of fucking dumb people doing fucking dumb things and blaming it on public institutions that work their balls of to serve their idiot clients.
apologies to the faint of heart...i've had a day chock full of the fucking dumb.
i was all set to embark upon a rant about how society is ill prepared to ensure that kids can read or that men stop hitting women or that mcdonald's clean up their patties of shit but if a goddamn boobie is flashed in public?

CALL THE NATIONAL FUCKING GUARD! We've got a loose one here boys!

now if we could only get britney to cover up her cooch.

Monday, November 27, 2006

It's raining men...and they have no shirts on

This was the madness that I found myself in on Saturday at Le Parking in Montreal.
Ah, to be a young gay man with a glistening chest.


Monday, November 20, 2006

This one's for you Linda...

because I can't rest until my mom becomes a fag hag. just like me.



although personally, i like this one much more.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Books 'R' Us


Thanks to MIMB for this little book quiz. Enjoyable.

1. One book that changed your life?

Message from Nam by Danielle Steel. I read this mass paperback edition in Grade 8 and not only did it teach me about the complex politics of the Vietnam War but it also taught me some early lessons in the various adjectives that can be used to describe the throbbing male love bone.

2. One book that you have read more than once?
Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. Cliche answer, I know..but it's true! I first read this book when I was 15 and since then I've read it every 5 years - kind of like a tetanus shot. What I love about these rereads is that the plot takes on different nuances and I notice different details as I grow older.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
The complete stories of Dorothy Parker. Or Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen. Both seering in wit and commentary on their contemporary societies, I am endlessly amused by their female characters.

4. One book that made you cry?
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I have to agree with MIMB on this one. Make no mistake, there have been several books that have made me weep like a little baby, but this is the most recent. And I sobbed - heaving, body-wracking sobs.

5. One book that made you laugh?
Social Studies by Fran Lebowitz. Her negative, stark and singleton reflections on city life were early indications that I would move to the city and enjoy a childless, latte filled, narcisstic existence.

6. One book you wish had been written?
**Apologies - upon reflection this post has been edited, I thought the question was "one book you wish YOU had written". Which naturally would have been Hitchhiker's.

One book I wish had been written???
Hmmm, I wish that there were "Choose Your Own Adventure" books for adults. Despite the fact that I always cheated, or ignored all the rules and read straight through, I miss those little adventures.
In the same the vein I also wish there to be an adult version following up on the lives of the Sweet Valley Twins. Oh Elizabeth and Jessica, where are you now?

7. One book you wish had never been written?
Citizen Girl by the authors of the Nanny Diaries. I received it as a gift from the bf during our first Christmas together. In theory I should have like it. It was about a girl, my age, struggling to shake off her early twenties and break into her professional years. Plus, it had a picture of a latte on the cover. Good signs all around.

Unfortunately the underpinnings of sexual degradation, harassment and masochism literally made me want to throw up and take a hot shower. It basically ruined Christmas '04. Way to go bf.

8. One book you are reading currently?
I just finished The Immaculate Conception by Gaetan Soucy and am starting The Children of Men by P.D. James.

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
Being a bibliphile - I currently own several books that I have yet to even open.
For a year I've been trying to read Devil in the White City - but the actions of a sociopathic murderer leave me unable to sleep. I don't think I'll ever get through it.
The top of the current "To Read" list would have to be Love in the time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

10. Pass it on Gentlemen.

Movie Meme: because apparently I have alot of time to spare

I found this movie meme over at Modern Fabulosity and despite the fact that I am only in the junior leagues of movie lovers, I couldn't resist.

1. Popcorn or candy?
While I will admit a proclivity for all things gummy I am always in awe of people that bring full-on takeout meals into the theatre and I have always wanted to take my seat with a carton of chicken fried rice and spring rolls.
*but don't get me wrong, one load chew, snort, slurp or burp and I will take my plastic fork and stab you in the neck.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
Les Cage aux Folles. Yet for some reason I have seen the Birdcage. Don't judge.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?
1998. While I am a Gwynnie lover, I have to say that Cate Blanchett was much more deserving of the award that year for her portrayal in "Elizabeth". She is the best Elizabeth I have ever seen. I mean Gwynnie got to make out with Joseph Fiennes for christ's sake, does she really get an award for that? Although, nice dress and good crying.


4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?
Even though I wouldn't be able to wear it I would definitely steal the whole kit and caboodle from Nicole Kidman's wardrobe in Moulin Rouge. In particular the little Vivian Westwoodesque piece that she wears in "The Show Must Go On" number. Loves it.

5. Your favorite film franchise is...
I will laugh and any Police Academy movie at any time. I'm a sin, I know, shut up.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?
Oh jesus, this is too hard.
Ok...guest list:
Parker Posey (shut up TOdie) - she's wicked and i love her
Jake Gyllenhal - an obvious one, plus he'd be required to eat topless
Maggie Gyllenhal - she needs to be my friend, but she'd have to smoke outside and couldn't bring the baby
John Cusack - he'd probably brood alot but he'd balance out the group
Meryl Streep - because she'd drink all the wine and make us play rude drinking games
Jack Black - because he'd be the only one to make Cusack laugh
Kate Winslet - mostly because my friends would kill me if I didn't invite her, but also because she'd be fun and I imagine using alot of british swear words
Cameron Crowe - he'd have amazing stories and probably bring really good pot. '

We'd eat cheese fondue, chocolate eclairs and alot of alcohol.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
Forced to sit beside the (now bleeding) chewers, snorters, slupers and burpers.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.
Sarah Fucking Connor of course! Hello? Have you seen her arms? And that scene where she stabs the guy in the neck with the needle? Good god.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?
Bob creeping out from behind Laura Palmers dresser. Jesus christ, I get the shakes just thinking about it.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?
While I do enjoy a good romantic comedy - I also have a secret addiction for football movies. Sick, I know. But if there's a TBS showing of "Any Given Sunday" or "Rudy" or "The Program"...I'm all over it.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
First rule: No more political dramas. They're dead to me.
Second rule: No rape scenes. They're no good to anyone.
Third rule: More gag reels.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?
Bonnie. Not only did she have amazing hair and makeup, but her hats were outstanding. Ever since "Truth or Dare" I can't look Warren in the eye. Pussy.

I make no apologies for the sophmoric nature of my movie proclivities, much more academic approach to these questions would be taken by my friend over at Fasten Your Seat Belts

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

One of these things is not like the other

Unbelievably, this is from the CNN web site.
Tsk tsk, isn't this type of headline supposed to stay on the Superficial?


Friday, November 03, 2006

Black Friday

This is going to be a difficult post to get through.
Today I went downstairs....and the fish were dead.
Several of them were lying belly up, or had already sunk down to the depths of the aquarium. They had all been drained of colour, not to mention dignity. At least the receptionist downstairs had the decency to turn off the burning florescent light in the tank. But there was no one to close their little fish eyes and prevent the holes that have burned into my soul.

Poor fish.
May you rest in peace in that big fish bowl in the sky.

And may "Sheldon" (the jerk charged with your care) burn and rot in hell for his negligence.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

It's a fish eat fish world

Every morning I have a standard routine when I arrive to my office: drop off coat, go downstairs, fill up water bottle, look at fish in aquarium and finally...get down to work.
This morning however, during my goodmorning glance at the fish I couldn't help but notice how all of them gathered to look at me when I was peering into their house of glass. Could it be that they're trying to say hello, I thought? Or are they so hungry that any human presence sends them into a starvation induced frenzy?
So I began to watch one of them.
He swam rapidly to and fro and then quickly dived down to the bottom floor of the aquarium for a nibble on the fish carcus that was bobbing there. Or I should say half fish carcus, as the majority of his wee fish face and neck was already gone. It was really just a fish torso.My workplace has officially become a haven of savages and cannibals.

And no, this wasn't a halloween prank....I asked ;)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Off with their thumbs!

there are no words that can express the deep feelings of hatred and rage that seethe from the inner most cavities of my soul when i am witness to one of the rudest activities known to modern day society - that of the blackberry addict. or the "crackberry" as it has been known.
while attending a conference for work today i was appalled by the flagrant disregard of these crackheads. i admit that there were a few times where i was doodling or daydreaming during a mindnumbing discussion, but the pretense of listening was always maintained.
the only way that i could control my rage was to imagine breaking their thumbs in many, tiny, painful fractures.

Run World, Run

Two weeks ago I ran my first half-marathon, an experience indeed. I was enthralled by the "running celebrities" (runebrities?) - yes they do exist - at the runner's expo. People like Katharine Switzer, the first woman to crash the Boston Marathon and evade an portly male judge; and Bart Yasso of Runner's World magazine, who has pretty much the coolest job in the world going from city to city and covering marathon's of all types and sizes. Yah, I'm easily starstruck, I know.

Anyway, the run was good. I got off to a bad start because I was late, what else is new. But I quickly fell into pace and ended up finishing nine minutes before my goal time. Sure, I was aiming pretty low...but nonetheless, I made it. Throughout the route I was rejuvenated by the small crowds gathered at certain points throughout the route and the musicians that setup to help keep our spirits lifted. I found all of this to be amazing...until I got to Chicago that is.
The BF ran the Chicago Marathon this past weekend. and. it. was. amazing. I was drunk on marathon fumes. Totally intoxicated. Sure, maybe I have that "joiner personality". After all, since grade 6 my resume has been littered with planning committees of all types. I can't escape it. But this whole running thing is completely new to me. I never got to go to the track meets or OFSA or any of those mortifying sport camps...jesus christ if it wasn't for sports at recess I would have never found the library.

I digress...Chicago was goddamn, effing amazing. And I didn't even shop. The crowds lining the race route were incredible. I got goosebumps a few times just watching the elite runners glide by. If I were a real writer I'm sure that I could help to convey the feeling better, but I can't. All I can say is that it felt like all of Chicago turned into a running room clinic, everyone was cheering and most importantly everyone had respect for the race and the runners. I can only hope that one day I'll be one of those people being cheered on.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Be sure to wear a flower in your hair...

Things that I love about San Francisco:
1. Shoe Pavillion. That's right, it's a pavillion full of shoes! And it's goddamn effing amazing. I almost burst into spontaneous orgasms after entering 60 seconds. While I'm sure that similar stock can be found in the T-dot, the fact that it's all under one roof and that the prices appear to be cheaper (as long as I don't remember the exchange rate) makes it all the more special.
2. Trader Joe's. An amazing Whole Foods-esque minus the pretention grocery store. Along with the fact that I LOVE the fact that I can buy all sorts of alcohol along with my pita chips and chinese chicken salad, I'm pretty impressed by the selection and quality.
3. The Sea Lions. I know that I must look retarded but I could literally stand next to the water watching them on their little floating docks for hours at a time. And I can't help myself from laughing out loud at them. They're hilarious and they make amazing barking sounds. A downside to this visit was the distinct stench of sea lion asshole in the air. The guy beside me said (out loud) "it smells like seal booty down here". I wanted to bash him in the head and correct him that it was in fact SEA LION BOOTY and to shut the hell up. I refrained.
4. HBO. Now, I realize that this is not a San Francisco specific element - but nonetheless I love being in the States, closing myself in the hotel and watching HBO. It's full of amazing tv shows and movies all day long! If I wasn't previously engaged in some serious shopping tomorrow I could definitely do some good work on my bed sores.
5. Rice-a-roni. No, I haven't actually sampled any while on this trip. But it's the goddamn San Francisco treat for christ's sake, I couldn't complete a list without giving props to the spanish flavour rice-a-roni. It's got me through some rough times.

That's all for now, although I'm sure that I'll fall in love with several more things tomorrow.
My agenda for Tuesday includes: breakfast at IHOP, a solid morning in Macy's, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, solid afternoon in Union Square and hopefully an evening with the bf - I keep forgetting he's on this trip too.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

A Harlequin Book Review

Due to the fact that my very missed friend Fin has hidden herself among the sand dunes of the UAE, I've uncovered some Arabic inspired reading that seems to have been inspired by the little minx herself.





Wednesday, September 27, 2006

FINNIE WHERE ARE YOU??

when i found this sewing pattern online today i immediately thought of my abu dhabi dame who has gone MIA in abudhabiville.
this one's for you fin!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Attack of the Shingles

I've now been infected with shingles for approximately eleven days. September 11th being the day that they decided to rear their ugly, bumpy, burning-red, itchy little heads.
First of all, who the hell has ever heard of shingles? Apparently only people that were fortunate enough to have grandparents that lived into old age, which leaves me out but does seem to indicate that I have the body of a ninety-year old. Of course, many of my friends already knew that.

Apparently when I was young I had a scorching case of chicken pox (the less sinister sister of shingles) but since it was before conscious life began for me, I can safely say that shingles is one of the sickest sicknesses that I have ever been sick with.
Not just because of the burning, itchy flesh or the constant prickly feeling all over my back and side but because of the invisibility of it all. It's a sonofabitch of a disease that lingers under your skin, pops up in random spots and and then attacks widespread areas of seemingly healthy flesh by lighting fire to all of your nerve endings. It's kind of like when you're foot falls asleep and then you get up and try to shake it out, but before you get that torturously tickly feeling you get that kind of painful pins and needles sensation - it's like that. On my back. All the time.
Lovely.

What's the cause of all this you ask? I suppose that the incessant twitching of my right eye for two weeks should have been an indicator....alas, I'm an idiot. My body was screaming at me to settle down, got tired of me ignoring her and decided to erupt through my flesh.
Much like the scene in Alien.
So now I'm living like an apothecary, shoving every type of vitamin B, C, E, zinc, rosehips, shark cartiledge and opium into my body in an effort to boost my immune system and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Naughty Librarian? Jebus help us.

I've spent much of the morning lying in bed and surfing ebay and drinking tea. No, I haven't been fired but I do have an infectious disease. More on that later. One of my shocking finds this morning includes this little number:

Apparently the package includes:
  • Dress with attached tulle petticoat
  • Shawl
  • Rhinestone glasses
  • Removable "Naughty Librarian" badge
  • Medium size 6-10, weight 120-140 lb
Seriously?
Although, if it came with the tits I might give it a second thought.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Party Shenanigans

It makes me laugh when my bf's friends take his bathroom animals (don't ask) and create little skits with them every time they come over...

And when my bf gets so drunk that he pulls out the old cowboy hat...

and when this guy gets invited (clearly the life of the party)....

and when moments like this are captured...

and when todie and i hijack the camera...


Saturday, September 16, 2006

I pulled a Felicity

Well, not quite that severe. But last week I woke up, showered and washed my hair and then stood in front of the mirror and screamed at my effing head. Why won't you do what I want you to do!!!??? And it was during this emotional crisis that I called my salon and made an emergency appointment.
Turned out quite nice if I do say so myself :)



Monday, September 04, 2006

welcome to my library. shhhh!

so as i was strolling through the blogosphere the other day (shut up - it's a word) i made my way through the usual suspects of blogs written by my friends and was both amazed and insanely jealous of the new widget that my friend over at MIMB had installed. it's a cool little widget that librarything.com has started offering to those that keep their book collections within their space.

now i never really understood the idea of transferring my collection over from my current Access database (c'mon, you knew i had to have one) to a public website such as this. hard to imagine i know, given my rampant narcissistic nature. but i've always considered the titles held within my bookcases to potentially allow visitors a very private and sickiningly intimate vantage point of my inner psyche.
believe it or not i am slightly reticent of offering up such information freely. perhaps it has to do with the fact that as a reader you cannot tell the arrangement of these titles within my physical space. i cannot indicate what is a bedtime read and what sits on my reference shelf. it's just all there - scattered blindly.
or perhaps it is the fact that inside i am only too aware of the fact that my reading preferences serve to confirm that i have far too many personalities floating around in my dizzy head. that i have intellectual ADD. that entering a bookstore (particularly of the second hand variety) renders me as incapacitated as a fat kid in a candy store...as paris hilton in a hall of mirrors...as john mark karr at a beauty pagent (okay that's far enough, you get the picture). i am delirious and cannot be held responsible for my actions and purchases.
so welcome one and all to my library.
no eating or drinking allowed.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

i'm a pod person

i am now a proud pod owner.
and it's pretty much the most adorable thing i've ever held in my hands.
last night i took him out for a spin on my hill training run - after he was pre-loaded with a barrage of tunes over which i had not control. a frightening concept indeed (particularly for a control freak) and i was convinced that i was going to hate the randomness of it all...and then a magical event occured.

we started off with a little elton john, a good warm-up track that left my vocal cords feeling a little strained (don't worry, i was still in my house at this point).
then as the pace was picking up he switched over to an electronic version of a sarah mclachlan tune - i had no idea it was even in my collection.
and as i strained to make it up my third hill of the night, without judgment he kicked it into some old-school kylie minogue. her little green fairy voice was just what i needed to haul ass.
on my cooldown run back home we sailed through some dave matthews, alicia keys and finished off with some george michael. because yes, you do gotta have faith.

so i'm pretty much in love with my ipod. without any hesitation he gives me what i need and anticipates what i'm going to like.
granted, he's still learning. i did need to skip over some poorly timed bach...we all make mistakes.

References:
Facing the music: an old school runner plugs in and changes her tune - Runner's World

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A History of Lies

throughout my long life of tall tales i have told some doozies to get me out of those tight and not-so-tight situations.
when i was in grade three i would fake blind spells and tell the teacher that i couldn't go out for recess (foreshadowing - she ended up making me work in the library).
in grade five i told kristen franchetto that i couldn't play outside with her because my leg was broken and in a cast - disregarding the fact that i'd see her at school the next morning (seems there's a trend here of me lying to avoid the out of doors, but that's another story).
in grade six i completely fabricated a two-month relationship with a boy in grade eight - even going so far as to write notes to me in his handwriting and putting gifts in my desk - all so that i wouldn't be the only girl without a boyfriend.

i suppose the reason i fall back on "lies" is because they keep working. my childhood acting career served me too well. my grade three teacher gave in to my blindness, kristin franchetto fell for my 24hr cast and my friends still believe my secret boyfriend story.

but today i was caught in a lie.
last year an annoying ex-bf was emailing me and pissing me off, so to get rid of him i told him i was getting married. marriage was like krytonite to him so i knew it would work - and it did. but today i ran into him on the street and the first words out of his mouth were "oh, where's your ring??".
CHRIST, i thought guys didn't look at that kind of thing! fucking hell.
so i had to say "oh...right...i made that up to get rid of you". he took it well.
clearly i'm driving the bus to hell, but that's not news to anyone.


References:
Lies, Lies, Lies: the psychology of deceit
Be an Expert on Anything by Stephen Colbert (Wired Mag)
The Ex Factor

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Pulling up my compression socks

so i've been in somewhat of a rut lately, can you tell? i've let my blogging go and have been seeking some inspiration and direction as of late...in many areas of my life.
it could be that approaching the fourth decade of my existence has caused me to pause and take stock of my life... or it could be that i'm a lazy fuck... or it could be both.
i'm sure there are more FDOME (Fourth Decade Of My Existence) posts to come (because I like to bemoan the fact that I am the first of most of my friends to turn 30) and also because let's face it, I enjoy letting my ego run wild.
but i've decided to add a new feature to the LITC blog - that being references. it's a miracle that it took me this long to think of it, but really it allows me to add some structure to my ego pandering. this way, i'm allowed to say whatever the hell i want about my life but at the end i qualify it with some evidence-based literature if you will.
of course, all of this is assuming that someone will care (outside of my three friends) but i do take pleasure in my regular visitors from Kentucky and Iran. to you i say, read on my friends.

References:
Eat that Frog: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time
A Survival Guide for the Quarter Life Crisis
A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Rotten apples

My mother sent me an email this morning with this little diddy attached:

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Jesus Horatio Christ.
Now, I know it's her way of telling me to buck up. That someday my Prince Charming will come and whisk me away to a life of love, stability and grandchildren....but I was offended nonetheless.

I am glad though that she doesn't think I'm a fat, slag apple waiting on the ground for some random guy to pass by and pick up...at least that's something.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Non-choice Librarians

I read a post from a fellow blogger the other day alerting me to a quarrel that I apparently missed on "The View", and being a big "The View" fan I immediately turned to YouTube for an update. What transpired was basically a huge scream fest (what else is new) between Star (the ugly black alien), guest Sandra Bernhard, and Elizabeth (the blonde Survivor). I was all set for a good bitch-slappin' show down when suddenly the blonde one started getting all right-wing on Sandy's ass.
When SB was asked what she thought of Laura Bush, she responded that she thought she was heavily medicated - an appropriate answer I thought...particularly in light of what the poor woman needs to go to sleep with at night (both physically and psychologically). Ol' Lizzie however thought quite differently and the two ladies ended up pig-tying each other on the floor while debating...of all things...abortion.

Now, ladies let's take a step back here. It's 2006. Yes, it's unfortunate that the two major North American powers are currently fuckwits with plastercast wives...BUT HAVE WE REALLY RETURNED TO THIS DISCUSSION? god help us.

And this is where I start to get into some hot water (or hotter water i suppose), my librarian oath (shut up) has basically bound me to the concepts of open-source, access to information and free speech. Which really sucks when I want someone to shut the fuck up. Because I really want people like Lizbet to shut the fuck up.
But that's actually way harsh. What I really want is for all us sista's to get together and to agree that what we do with our poonanees (sp?) is our own business. In the infamous words of my girls "Salt n' Pepa" "If she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend, it's none of your business".
Tell it ladies.
Tell it.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Yogasms

Dear Yoga Instructor,
I love you. Despite the fact that you are a granola-eating, hemp-wearin', frizzy-headed, rail-thin specimen of yogi's, you are amazing. I walk into your dim den of nature sounds and am immediately relieved of all the stresses of library life. Last night you assisted me in lifting my body in a way that defied all laws of gravity and nature and didn't even wince when my rolling gunt billowed over my yoga pants. Thank you for that, may your kindness be repayed by increased flexibility.

Dear lady next to me in yoga,
Stop moaning. Stop sighing. Stop groaning. This is yoga, not soft-core pornography.

Dear ugly guy at the front of the room in yoga,
I can see you in the mirror. Even through the dim lights. Oh, were you not aware the lights were dim? Well that's because you didn't take off your aviator glasses during the entire class. For christ's sake man, it was 9pm!!! Also, the skimpiness of your shorts is beginning to cause me some concern. Partly because I sit behind you. And mostly because during certain poses I suspect your ball sack of making brief appearances. Not brief enough. Put that shit back in. And unless you're secretly hiding the fact that you're Bono behind those glasses...take them the fuck off you pretentious twat.

Dear fat lady in green,
I'm sorry for judging you when you first entered the room. Your lack of fashion sense and plethora of body fat threw me. But when I was half-stunted in a pose that required me to bend my body back like a pretzel, and then I looked over at you and saw that you could bend so far back that you were pretty much licking your own ass....I was appalled. And extremely ashamed of myself. For that I am sorry.

Sincerely,
The girl in the back with the pretty pants, huge gunt and limbs made of stone.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Back in the pit

nothing like the first day back from vacation to make you realize how useless you are on your first day back...it's now 12:56 and these are the things that i have accomplished so far:
9:15 late for work - it was raining, give me a break
9:20 chatted with my co-workers about how much rain sucks
9:30 opened email and began sorting through 240 unread emails
10:45 coffee break. find out coffee is $1 this week at druxy's :)
10:47 realize they are still recruiting staff from the local 'tard bank :(
11:45 187 emails deleted. 42 responses sent. 11 read and ignored.
12:00 reviewed unread blogline posts.
12:15 reviewed online job postings
12:17 mused about my dead-end future in this profession
12:25 revived myself with some chocolate from my desk - clearly hidden from my coordinator while i was on vacay
12:35 colleagues came in for a random chat

these are the things that i hope to accomplish this afternoon:
+ eat some food - perhaps greek but i may go easy today and head to the cafeteria
+ return one phone message
+ post on my professional blog (ie. not this one)
+ look up some times for yoga classes this week (i'm back on that wagon)

keeping your goals short and sweet, it's the key to successful post-vacation reintegration.

Friday, June 16, 2006

the blood on my back is staining my clothes

today on Overheard In The Office there was an apt quote that went like this:

Coworker: Sometimes I just go out to the warehouse dock and stand on the edge and think about jumping.

fitting really, because today was one of those days where i wanted to stick hot pokers into my eyes. or perhaps into the eyes of my colleagues. where i wouldn't have necessarily wanted to jump off the dock as i would want others to stand near me so that i could push them and laugh while they died an agonizing death.

the hardest part of one of these days is figuring out how to let it go. sure, it's friday. but that just means i have more time to stew about it, before coming in fresh on monday morning for another backstabbing.

why god? why me? and how will thoust save me?

i can only assume at this point that gin is the answer. tall icy glasses of gin.

hallelujah.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Home Economics-Household Cleaning-Disgraceful Genetic Legacy

There are occasions when I find myself amongst my professional colleagues that I find myself questionning my value in the library world. Am I a fake and a phoney? If push came to shove could I catalogue a book to save my life? Where do I stand in a debate on LC vs. Dewey?
All excellent questions, with frightening answers.
And then there are occasions that point a glaring spotlight on my librarian-ness and make it clear to anyone that I am useless outside of my profession. Case in point, last weekend. I was called upon by my mother to assist in cleaning their empty nest, so that nosey neighbors and city dwellers could come through the next day and tramp through the house while making fun of the decor (no, one cannot have too many decorative plates featuring Princess Diana I was told).
To begin my mother instructed me to go down to the living room (also known as the parlor that no one is actually allowed to sit in) and to start dusting. But on my way I had to pass through the kitchen, causing me to pause and grab a cookie out of the cupboard - and it was there that I stayed for the next three hours.
The cupboards were a shambles. Just thinking about it now gives me a little bit of the sweats. Boxes of granola bars were shoved in with the frying pans, packages of spaghetti sat amongst the tupperwear, the George Forman grill was hidden under bags of chips and boxes of new stove element inserts. I was dumbstruck.
I immediately began pulling every last item out of the cupboards and sorting them into categories or chucking them completely (the mass amount of expired salad dressings that i found were sold to a group of young pakistani's - they were impressed with their unparalleled levels of toxicity). It was mayhem. I've always know that my parents shop like they have an inside scoop on an impending nuclear fallout - but this was ridiculous. And I couldn't stop until all seven open packages of spaghetti sad side by side, until all four half-empty bottles of maple syrup were on the same shelf, until all of the loose chicklettes, twizzlers, spongebob gummies and rock-hard tootsie rolls filled one of the four garbage bags that I filled.
If I had enough strength left I'd discuss the sludge in the refrigerator. But I just can't bring myself to do it. As Hammy Hamster so wisely said...but that's a story for another day.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Conferences make strange bedfellows

I recently found myself at an interdisciplinary conference, meaning that everyone and their dog from my department was there, including my boss and several colleagues. Out-of-town conferences are interesting events because they cause people to forget that they are in fact AT WORK. From a series of interesting events I found out several blackmail worthy pieces of info. Alas, I myself fell naughtily into bed with some colleagues after a presentation after-party gone awry. Several bottles of wine and a hot tub later...and now we can hardly look each other in the eye ;)

Monday, May 29, 2006

Overheard During the Race

Sweaty guy #1: So, where would you say that you sweat the most on your body?
Sweaty guy #2: ......
SG #1: .. i mean...of the places that you can see...
SG #2: i dunno...i guess my head?

This was almost enough to keep me laughing across the finish line. If only I hadn't been sweating so much that my head felt like exploding. Although the vision of my road warrior Mr. John Stanton afterwards was enough to propel me into fits of frenzy. Picture it, walking back into the hotel, sweaty as a MF'er, shirt soaking in water that i poured on myself at the 8km mark...and who do I see sitting fresh as a roadside daisy? Old JS himself. He gives me a little smile and nod and then he gives me a thumbs up. I was beside myself. And it was enough to keep the bf jealous all night. Good times.




I was also witness to some very suspect runner torture at the expo. Horrifying stuff. Luckily the canal was enough to keep most of us inspired through to the end.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Saskatchewan...not just a drinking game

don't misinterpret me when i say that i consider myself an atypical librarian. yes, i am known to "bun" and yes i do look over the rim of my glasses while judging people for their lack of intelligence...but all that aside i still don't consider myself one of the backroom dwelling, vintage book sniffing, technology eschewing spinsters. so i find it all too amusing when i come across other atypical professionals at conferences that are brimming with stuffiness and pretention.
tonight at the banquet of chla i was tickled to discover the devilish behavior of the table behind me (at which time i kicked myself for choosing the wrong table). it seems that during a teary-eyed, heart-felt speech introducing the winner of "Librarian of the Year" (yes there is such an award, and yes i do aspire to it one day) there were several repetitions of the word "Saskatchewan". i was clearly too engrossed in my creme brulee to notice but the library lush table decided that this was a perfect opportunity to play a wordplay drinking game, and that everytime the speaker said the secret word "Saskatchewan" they were all to take a deep swig from their glass.
nice.
i'm so pissed that i didn't think of it.
and moreso that i wasn't able to partake. but thank god that the "less shushing more lushing" mantra lives on.
lush on librarians, lush on.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Too pretty to drink...almost

a latte from the infamous "Cafe Artigiano", conveniently located directly behind the hotel :)

Hamilton Mountain was no mountain at all, discuss

i caught the rocky mountain buzz on the plane to vancouver saturday. i mean really, look at this picture. it's ridiculously gorgeous. so gorgeous it makes me wanna puke. the wave of nausea continues everytime i step out onto the vancouver streets.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Bowels of the Library

Today someone shit in the library.
A first in my career and I'm hoping a last as well.
A man literally came into the library and told me that he had "lost control of my bowels" and there was liquified shit running down the inside of his pant legs and pooling on the library floor.
I sat. Stunned.
When all was said and done he probably had to stand for five minutes before I could get anyone to come in and clean up both him and the spot. I'm still shocked at how the whole thing went down. Not only at how slow help was to arrive, but also at my own ineptness in the situation. Usually when challenges present themselves I'm able to think quite quickly and work to disarm the situation...temporarily at the very least. But not this time. I mean...they don't teach this shit in library school (no pun intended).
And the image that I just can't erase from my mind is that poor man hunched over in the library, clutching my desk, the desire to disappear evident on his face.
Jesus, I think this is the first time in my life that poop isn't funny. Let's hope this is just a phase.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Cross-eyed

yesterday i had my bi-annual ocular exam...none too pleasant. particularly when they put anaesthetic in my eye and proceed to push a small blue rod into it....i can't talk about it....i'm gagging.
anyhoo, other than the proper george prada glasses that i picked out, i was also pleasantly surprised by my doctor's offer to share these gruesome photo's with me. i'm such a narcissist.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Overheard in Toronto: Kitchen Edition

In my kitchen today

Roommate: Michelle, I swear that I'll raise your first born child if you dry these tupperwear containers for me.

Awesome, you can't even get Nanny's this cheap from the Philippines.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

To sleep, ah to dream

"i lay in bed comforted by the snufflings and sudden gasps of my husband beside me. i love it when he sleeps and i don't - when he's there, so proximal and innocent, and i'm awake, thinking. i love the way he breathes in and out,and how i don't have to worry about him at all. i can just inhale his warm, solid presence. i could really enjoy "sleeping around" in the literal sense - lying beside people i like, when they're asleep. it's so calming. i could be a sleep vampire."
m. jackson "Pain".

i randomly came across this entry today and was totally amazed at how much i could relate - yet had never thought about. mind you, i'm usually the one who starts drooling before the light is turned off, but there are those occassions (where the mind is churning) that i get to experience sleep vampirism. such a lovely idea.
sort of reminds me of those moments when you have to be up really early in the city (walk of shame, going to the airport, lining up for free turkeys) when no one else is awake and it feels like you have to tip toe through the streets so as not to wake the giant city.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Dorothy was right all along

So there, I've proven my friend Derek's theory that every day an Oz reference is made.
Let's move on.
the bf and i have just returned from a whirlwind european tour (much tamer than the national lampoon version, although with just as many busty germans) involving alot of delicious coffee, the elusive non-meat meal and lovely bidet's. we had a great time. waking up late. soaking in the sun. riding on trains. watching euro mtv. holidays are great.
that being said, there are a few vacay aspects that i could do without. hotel beds, lame continental breakfasts and other tourists. i try my best to assimilate to the territory and god knows the bf would rather eat his own tongue (which would technically violate the vegetarian law) than admit that he is a foreigner...particularly in europe. but there are still many times when i find myself slipping into the old "speak any english!?" character.
and when all was said and done and we boarded that plane in heathrow (ah england, we hardly knew ye) i felt myself aching for some sweet home toronto. i had an order of sushi, a litre of diet coke (screw this "coca cola light shit) and a buttload of corrie to assimilate me home.

Overheard In Toronto: Mother's Day Edition

okay...so it's an early mother's day edition.
Scene: Outside St. Lawrence Market. Beautiful day. Family filled street.

Child: [acting like a child]
Mother: What is it with you? Do you have a switch that you can turn on at this time everyday?....because you're really acting like an asshole.
Child: [scarred for life]
Me: [amazed and headed straight for the liquor store]

God bless you mothers, every one.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Don't judge me

wednesday nights have become such a joyous time for me as i get to watch two of my favorite things: fashion shows and people getting judged and mocked. it all rolls together in a wonderful orgy/cornucopia/neopolitan ice cream of goodness in america's next top model. god love tyra banks and her sassy black girl snarl.
tonight we said goodbye to lovely, country gal kari. she was a little bit playboy bunny and a little bit girl in high school that eats french fries everyday resulting in a fat ass but gives really good blow jobs so she's really popular. adorable. i thought she had some really good early-renee zellwegger qualities (ie. body fat) but clearly from this pic she is destined for an ANTM themed porno.
what a good idea....
"america's next on top model"?
yah, that one was lame....i can't come up with anything dirtier, clearly i'm tired.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Patrick was no Saint

i'm still feeling a little bit woozy from the booze up i experienced in honour of my irish patron saint on the weekend...but thought a few images would help to sum up the events.


Before the party. A couple of lovely looking girls with some fresh lipstick and belly's full of complex carbohydrates.









"After" the party...or at least as "after" as we can remember. things got blurry from this point onwards. we are sad, sad little women. Lipstick smeared across face, small specks of spittle around mouth, belly's full of vodka and green food colouring. (just typing that is making me nauseous...more than 48 hrs later)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Librarians Are People Too

today i was checking the stats on my blog, just because i like to see where people of come from, who sent them to my site (kyle) and how long they stayed. you know, typical stalker behaviour. i also find it enjoyable to see the types of keywords people have used when finding my site via search engine. some of the greats so far are "knee itch" (who knows), "partying librarians" (we do like to party) and "shaughnessy bishop stall" (which i pray was not him performing an ego google search as i would most definitely qualify for a restraining order). but the most bizarre one came through yesterday..."librarian assholes".
now, what i'm hoping is that someone has a hate-on for their local library professionals and they were hoping to find a site that would allow them to rant with others about the behaviour they encountered there. similar to a better business bureau. a good idea really, someone should invent such a site. i know a few libraries out there that could benefit.
but what i FEAR from this search is that the user was then sadly disappointed not to have found some graphical representations of information professional ass-play. no judgment, but you are totally sick.
did i mention that this search came from kentucky? 'nuff said.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Running On Empty


Today I ran my third 5km race since October. Suffice to say that I'm quite proud. I mean, to think that in September I could hardly run for 30 seconds without coughing up blood it's actually quite an achievement to now be pounding the pavement for a solid 30 mins and being able to spit out enough energy to actually sprint at the end. shocking. truly shocking. I was 439/1200 runners, 52/181 women in my category and was still 16 seconds too slow to make my goal time, but at least I made it! My whole team did quite well and they all made their goal times, some with time to spare! I think it would be much more difficult if we didn't have an amazing group of people that consistently kicked each others asses. Plus, our sweet little instructor Dean from the Running Room. The man could crack walnuts with his thighs but has the voice and personality of a baby rabbit. Not that I've ever heard a baby rabbit speak, but I imagine it would have Dean's voice....okay, maybe an adolescent rabbit.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Schmacademy Schmawards

This past weekend the annual academy awards took place and for the first time in quite some years a friend of mine had an oscar party. Now, when the creative invites went out for this party i was immediately perked up at the thought of watching the awards with all my friends, all dressed up and eating spring rolls. what else could a girl ask for? for the past five years i have watched the awards alone (aside from several phone calls to out-of-town girlfriends). and as i discovered this past weekend there is a reason for that. i am what is known as a voracious awards show watcher. don't get me wrong, i don't get a boner for any old "people's choice" or "vh1" awards but for the big ones (ie. the oscars, golden globes and perhaps the emmy's) i am glued to my seat. this means that i require:
a) adequate red carpet watching time (usually three hours pre-show)
b) a fine balance between critiquing the obvious costume mistakes and appreciation for the gods and goddesses of the carpet
c) silence during the opening monologue
d) silence during the speeches. yes, all of the speeches. let's not fool ourselves that the best actor consistently has a better speech than the best cinematographer. gafs are made, there are surprises to be had and i want to catch them. so shut up.
e) a running check on my pics against the winners.
i would say that out of my five requirements the party was able to fully satisfy 1.5. happily, i sacrificed watching of the red carpet and some of the monologue/speeches for an excellent round of movie trivia conjured up by my party hosts. it was brilliant...and not just 'cause i won :) another brilliant addition...costumes. it's pretty clear that i love dressing up and making an ass of myself, so i was quite pleased by these additions. i may not watch the oscars with a group again, but come by my house next year and you may just find me dressed as the next Natalie Portman heroine.



The brokeback cowboy and Man in black...our fine party hosts.













The Film Editor















Team Phantom (yes, they know it was nominated two years ago) and Brokeback Cowgirl.
*note - my apologies to Ms.North Country for not capturing her portrait in these images...but she clearly spent all night in the kitchen and the can.









Saturday, February 25, 2006

Girlfriend kryptonite




Last night I performed one of the most gracious acts that a girlfriend can bestoy upon her boyfriend...no dirty mind, not that...i went to the car show. Let me clarify that I was asked to attend with bf and despite my assertion that i would be a miserable, whinging mess he still insisted that i go. so whatever.


there were several things that i was unaware of: 1. the car show takes place over three hu-mung-ous venues. 2. there are men hired to dust and polish the cars on a regular schedule. 3. the sell beer nuts and caramel apples and the scent of cured meat hangs heavy in the air. delish.
i was also somewhat unaware of the severe case of carlust experienced by men. it was crazy. who needs viagra when you've got a shiny green jaguar with beige interior?



at least i got to park myself in a smart car though, that was fun.

although i did have to sit next to the weird lady with the french braid.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Where the fish roam...free?

I've always found it odd that while gorging myself at the local mammoth chinese restaurant there are large hideous koy swimming beneath the entrance, mouths agape and looking for stray chicken ball crumbs.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Valentine's Day Massacre


...okay the title is a little bit more dramatic than need be, but i've got a real gripe with the floral industry on this one. this past v-day both my roommate and i received gorgeous floral bouquets from our bf's...george. they were delivered to our places of work and sat under clear cellophane and ribbons waiting to be unwrapped. the cutest part about the floral delivery has to be the tiny, precious little muffin cards that come with them. mine was wrapped in a gorgeous wee creamy envelope, todie's in crisp white. now, i must admit that it must be a source of great stress for the new bf to decide what goes on the v-day flower card. particularly when words like "love" are so loaded at such a precarious time of the relationship. and some bf's must find the act of communicating to the florist what they should write on the card somewhat mortifying...i mean you can't exactly say "love and kisses on all your pink parts" while a queue forms behind you. i'm only sayin'. but let me get to the point. and that is this, two bf's went to a florist, ordered george bouquets and communicate the appropriate message to be delivered with said bouquets. now it seems that a twisted game of "telephone" was played between the verbal instructions and the writing of the cards. neither card had the same message. in FACT, both cards had additional words that made the message more "lovey" if you will. hearts were drawn, declarations were made, gf's were freaked out. what is this sick and twisted game you play florists? are you trying to play a blind game of cupid? or should it be assumed that all that queen anne's lace and baby's breath has affected your auditory and cognitive functioning? shame on you florists. shame on you.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Mix Master, Cut Faster


tonight i'm all alone because my lovely roomate has gone out on a date and my boyfriend is on an outing with his boyfriends. at first i was excited to sit and watch tv....but i quickly realized that quality tv is a rarity on a friday night. so after puttering around, trying to avoid laundry and vacuuming (how sad could a friday night get?) i found a couple of cd's given to me for my bday last week by my most excellent friend kyle (and i'm not just saying that because he's the only one reading my blog).
so kyle makes cd's. and he's pretty much the best dj i have ever encountered. now, i'll admit that i haven't encountered alot..but he's pretty damn good. dj'ing is a skill that many people consider an inherent skill, but i say oh no to that. it is most definitely a skill unique to a few of the chosen people...no, not just the jewish (although i'm sure there are many fantastic jewish dj's...wasn't nicole richie going to marry one?). i digress.
so i start listening to a cd while checking my email and playing...and low and behold 15 minutes later i find myself belting out Xanadu into a pink highlighter/microphone. which was quickly followed by "My baby takes the morning train"..."Girl you'll be a woman soon"...a song from Dirty Dancing (which can only be good)...Split Enz...ALL AMAZING SONGS. i'm not sure who's more annoyed at this point, the neighbors or the cat but really i could care less. who needs a room for karaoke? me and my pink highlighter are taking it on the road.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Death to Smokey


a few evenings ago i was out drinking a very large tequila-based slushy drink and had the unfortunate experience of being forced to do so within a large glassed in area where everyone seemed to be engaged in tobacco smoking. now, i'm not the judgmental type...okay even i laughed at that one. i'm the most judgmental asshole that ever lived. but putting that aside, people that smoke are the biggest assholes on the planet. they should be forced to put out their cigarettes on their own flesh. that way they'd get infected, die horrible deaths and their genetic material would inevitably die with them.
the amazing part of the evening was that we got to sit next to an FDIP (first date in progress). and not only did the chick have huge carmen soprano-esque fingernails, but she was also grasping a dumaurier light between those death clutchers. todie and i were openly judgmental, scoffing and staring at the burning cancer stick. and within ten minutes of seating we witnessed the following exchange:
Girl: [lights 2nd cigarette and tries to blow smoke gracefully towards the space between our two tables]
Boy: so....i've never dated anyone who smokes before.
Girl: [stoney silence] oh. [takes enormous drag from cigarette and refrains from graceful exhale]
it's at these times that i really wish that i had a camera phone so that i could take a quick image of her fingernails. i mean really. i haven't seen shit like that since the 80s, they really needed to be photographed.

on a popculture note remember when that guy on x-files was called cancer man and then they changed his name to cigarette smoking man? yah, i hated that. they should have just told it straight. i also could have handled:
* breath that makes me wanna puke man
* smoking has affected his erection man
* tracheotomy man
* chemo makes my flesh burn guy

oh shut up, you smoke, you rot, you die. suck it up.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Beautiful decorations

Ed thinks tequila makes a great bday gift


Partying like i'm 29


this past weekend my bf and bestest friends threw me a lovely bday party. after a long and exhausting conference i was glad to have a nice full of debauchery and cake.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhog get's older

Today is my birthday. the last birthday before i begin to celebrate my thirties. it's okay, i'm cool with that. not like i'm counting the wrinkles or regreting missed opportunities. although i am starting to feel a few itches.
itch 1. well, i did receive some eye wrinkle cream for christmas. i'm not kidding. santa brought it and left it in my stocking. what's a girl to do?
itch 2. it may be the coinciding with OLA but i'm beginning to feel a career itch. beginning to question the direction i'm taking and the effect that my choices may have on my future career directions.
itch 3. my leg. seriously my leg is itchy, it may be because of the cold weather and the wear of my running tights.
it's funny because someone was just telling me the other night that 29 can be a seriously revolutionary age. that many strange events can be had...and i had to think back that i felt the same way at 19. at 19 i lost 25 pounds, i went on a health binge, i took up mountain biking and when i went away to university that fall i decided to leave behind the "reputation" (or lackthereof) that i had in high school.
i'm not sure what all of that means for my 29th year, but i'm ready. i'm ready to try something new and i think i have a few ideas to kick things off. it may not be quitting my job, collecting pogie and eating bon bons while watching dr.phil....but by this time next year the road should be at least a little bit more focused.