Friday, June 20, 2008

Spam Soup

Over the past month or so I've been collecting those items in my spam box that have peaked my interest, or caused me to laugh out loud.

Since they've given me such joy, wonderment and curiosity over who the hell writes these things and what they're supposed to mean - I thought that I would share the lot with you.

Please feel free to share your own delicious spam samples.

1. More meat is never excessive.
This was one of those spams that caused me to initially think about one of those mammoth burgers from Wendy's. You know, the kind with 18 beef patties, a pound of bacon, dipped in a child's tears and deep fried in the soul of Satan? Yah, that kind.
Then it just got dirty.

2. I am sorry I banged her.
I bet you aren't. But I bet she is.

3. Glamourous glitters on your wrist.
I actually just like to say this one out loud. And I will admit that I only say it with a British accent. Or like Mrs. Howell. Now there's a classy lady with glamourous glitters on her wrist.

4. Whores get attracted easily.
I initially misread this one as "Whores get distracted easily" which I found strangely hilarious. And also - I bet not. I bet that it takes a lot to excite a whore at the end of the day. Because really, she (or he) has seen it all at that point. And to come home to yet another dick, probably not all that attractive. I'm just sayin'.

5. Small cucumber that's why your woman couldn't come.
I think that this would be a great line in a movie. Especially if it was a character like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" yelling it down a stairwell.

6. Massive even when flaccid.
Are you gagging? (that's what she said) Because this one just made me go ugh with a little shiver. Because I can just see it. Lying there, on a leg, all wrinkly and flaccid and massive. Like something out of the back pages of Playgirl only not in a good way.

7. Your mom will love this.
Really? You really think my mom will love this? Because if I open this email and it's anything other than a foot bath or a commemorative Princess Di plate I'm betting high on the fact that Linda will in fact NOT love this. But rather that she would scream at her computer monitor, douse it in Lysol and call the police.

8. Make your trouser mouse a monster.
Ok, it's juvenile I know. But Trouser Mouse! C'mon, that's hilarious! This one could actually be used for some kind of legitimate sexual enhancement product, good work spam writer. Pat yourself on the back for that one.

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