Friday, December 18, 2009

Eat it: Holiday Edition

Holiday eating tips for those in the holiday spirit.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls. Or in our case Screech Balls!

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3 . If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Feel free to sop up remnants with any absorbing food at hand - bread, turkey skin, your hand.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. It's bullshit.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Also - no control tops. Elasticized waist is the name of the game.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.. I mean c'mon, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

One final tip - wine. It's not just for breakfast anymore. 

Thursday, December 10, 2009

EAT IT: The Cat Edition

A few weeks ago, realizing that the cat was down to his last few kernels of food I set out to make a mad dash to Canadian Tire for what I like to call the cat's "McDonald's treat". Aka shitty, cheap (and probably delicious) cat food. When I'm being a good cat mother I get his food from the Vet's office - it's double the price of the McDonald's version but it does have the benefit of actually listing a meat (in this case - duck) as the first ingrediant which will apparently save him from kidney disease in the future. It makes me feel like a good pet owner and he eats it - although lets face facts, if it came down to it he'd eat his own shit.

As I was about to head out to Canadian Tire I was reminded that a new pet store had opened in the "Spare Some Change" variety store at Queen & John. I don't know it's real name, I only know that the guy who holds the door open for me always says these words as I enter and exit the store. Good marketing.
Anyhoo, they've installed a pet store in the shitty, far side of the store that had previously housed some bullshit house plants and what can only be equated to nik naks. This pet store is going to be a freaking gold mine. It's stocked with every insane toy and gadget known to man's best friend AND it's parked in the midst of condo central. And you know what condo central means? Childless singles and couples looking for meaning and companionship through cats & dogs. GOLD.

I browed around the pet store and low and behold they actually had the upscale brand of food that I would normally get from the vet as well as an entire aisle of shiny, pretty packages of every kind of food imaginable. They even have a freezer in the dog section with freshly butchered bones and cuts of meat. Imagine the lucky bitch that gets a sirloin slab for her snack! Jealous.

And because I am like a bird and easily attracted to all things pretty I came across this new brand of food called Before Grain. I have to admit - it was the font and colour that did it for me. Look how stylized these bags are!Not to be mistaken as just a pretty bag, they also listed meat as the first ingredient! In fact the salmon version has three different meats in the first four! It's a meat extravaganza!
Needless to say - the cat loves it. More than his shit.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

At a loss this Christmas?

I can't quite wrap my mind around this one - perhaps it's the perfect companion to the Snuggy? The Hood Thong?? Could possibly go down as THE WORST clothing idea EVER.
Nipple streamers on the other hand? Pure magic.