Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sky (Ani)Mall!

In this months edition of "I'm bored on a plane and sitting next to an obese person and can't wedge my laptop out of it's crevice" - I got lost in the Sky Mall mag. Not familiar with this Pulitzer Prize winner of the sky? Well it's kind of like a mix between the Sears Christmas catalogue and Mad magazine. It's every single bad idea ever thought up by your uncle who thinks he can invent amazing things (usually after five or six beers). Now I get a kick out of vibrating socks and voice activated golf balls as much as the next gal - but what I REALLY love about Sky Mall is the shit they do with animals.

Exhibit A: Bad animals with adorable faces.

Clearly these animals have used their powers of cuteness to seduce a small child and then mercilessly rip his/her face to shreds. Either that or they've been caught stealing sips from their mothers blueberry schnapps. IMPRISONMENT!

Exhibit B: Dead animals make the best models

This theory was posed by my bf and has ruined several years of Classic Cats calendars for me. But c'mon, you've got to admit - there is no way that anyone managed to get a collie to lay still long enough to capture this shot. Therefore - dead collie.

Exhibit C: Sweet faced puppies can sell anything

I don't want to conceive of the day where I will live with dogs so small that they can't climb onto a goddamn couch - but these puppies can make a woman do unthinkable things. In my mind I've already starting writing an elaborate story along the theme of the cinematic classic "Stepmom". In this scenario the dog lying down is Susan Sarandon and the bitch climbing the stairs is Julia Roberts. There will be snuggling, there will be a heart-wrenching duet of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and there will be ass licking.

Exhibit D: Cats will always make you look like the asshole

These cats are WAY too cool for school. Not only do they make the inventor look like an asshole for coming up with these ideas but they SHAME you for even considering their purchase. SHAME!! I mean really - that cat on the toilet is giving you some serious smack talk right now. Turn the page, just look away.

Exhibit E: Fake animals judge no one

In the end it seems more reasonable to turn to fake animals for solace. And who wouldn't be warmed by the site of Harry Henderson's sasquatch or our favorite family of anthropomorphized meerkats?

Exhibit F: Although....

This little bitch just stole my soul.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

"You're too late - I already killed her"

Last night I went to a strangers house to try on wedding dresses. Random, I know. I found these two gorgeous Vera Wang dresses on Craigslist and they were cheap cheap cheap! So, I couldn't resist.

I told the bf that if I were to be killed on this mission that at least he'd have a really good story to tell at his next wedding.

He wasn't amused.

yadda yadda yadda, the dresses didn't fit. blah blah blah i didn't die.
good story.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Cult of Cutrone

Last night I dragged my tired post-daylight savings time butt over to the Eaton's Centre to catch a glimpse and hear the spastic wisdom of Kelly Cutrone. For those of you blinded to the lure of such trash tv as The Hills and The City - you may not know who she is. Fortunately throngs of stiletto-heeled women and well-dressed gay men do and hence her book signing and interview were very well attended.

It is my belief that the character played by Margaret Cho in Sex and the City is based on Cutrone. Discuss.

She was shilling her new pamphlet  book instructing young women and gays (her words) in the ways of life and business. The book outlines some rules for success which I have to say - are brilliant if not a little common sensical. Her first rule and book title - If you have to cry, go outside.
Young women of the world - WRITE THIS DOWN! And no, not on your hands.
The most uncomfortable of work situations occur when someone has done something wrong, is chastised and then starts to cry. Ugh, so manipulative! I have cried at work exactly three times (yes, I remember them each distinctly). All hidden within the walls of my office or private bathroom stall. No one needs to see a swollen, crying face and being comforted for not doing your job isn't in anyone's job description. Way harsh? Maybe, but for anyone who works with students or young women this advice is TOTALLY, COMPLETELY and UTTERLY necessary.

She also has some pretty salient advice on "giving good phone". Basically when to use the phone instead of using virtual communication. This one is going to be lost on most ears and I think is the most difficult to impart. Hell, even my own bf is a telephone rejector and usually REFUSES to answer a ring tone at home. Only an IM or TM ping gets his attention. But for people in the workforce it is often much easier to pick up a phone than to send multiple passive-aggressive messages consisting of "Did you read my email yet?". C'mon people, can't we all just communicate?

It was a very entertaining evening and while I think Jeannie is best suited to the fast-paced, quick, backstage interviews - she did manage to keep things flowing along. Kelly had many stories about her fabulous life but tended to fall into glamorizing her past drug habits and promiscuous activities, perhaps not the best stories for a predominantly underage audience.

She wrapped up with some excellent Oprah-esque advice - that everyone needs to take the time to figure out who they are and that using celebrities (herself included) as inspiration is much healthier than trying to replicate anyone. She advises using your inner voice to guide you, to never listen to people trying to keep you down and to go balls out on intuition. That's right - balls out.
My favorite soundbite: You shouldn't give birth to a child until you've given birth to yourself.
Let's take a minute to soak in that wisdom.

Alright, time to shake off the after-birth and get back to work.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wedding Wednesday: How to bag him

Given the message of this ad - I don't HOW it's possible that I'm getting married. In fact just this morning I said to my beloved "Has my morning breath ever made you wanna throw up?". Because in fact it has made ME wanna throw up. He responded appropriately indicating that lilies and roses sprout up from my oral cavity whilst I sleep.
No wonder I love him - because he LIES so well.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

READ IT: Born to Run

I read this book by Christopher McDougall in January when I was starting to plan out my race schedule for the year - and I picked it up not a minute too soon. I have to admit that following my October marathon I was feeling a bit burned out. I wasn't injured or anything, I just couldn't seem to force myself outside for a run. All the things that I'd been missing out on while training (sleeping, drinking, Sunday window shopping trips) were now consuming my life in abundance.
It took this book to kick my ass back to the road.
And it didn't do it in a preachy, "if you don't run you'll be a fat lard and no one will like you" kind of way. Rather, it kind of made me fall back in love with running for fun. Cheese, but whatever. During my training I was a slave to my stopwatch. I ran with long, involved audio books to take my mind of the arduous hours of running by myself. Like a good librarian I recorded every single detail about my run into an elaborate spreadsheet. It was all too much! Since reading this book I really have focused more on the act of running - my posture, my foot strike, the feeling in my legs, the exhilaration of going really fast - just tuning into my body and turning off my iPod have made a huge difference to how much I like running. Not that I still don't have off days, because I do. But now I don't let them ground me for weeks at a time. 

McDougall writes about running like a poet. The story focuses on the running traditions of a Mexican tribe known as the Tarahumara. An isolated tribe known for running barefoot or with very rudimentary footwear, they are superfantastic ultra-runners with a running style that somehow makes them impervious to injury. He goes pretty indepth into their nutrition and in particular into their consumption of the miraculous chia seed. I of course, was sold immediately and ran out to Noah's to buy a pack. But that's a story for another day.

He also has a rather lengthy and interesting conspiracy theory about the running shoe industry. In particular the evil Nike. He's rather convincing in his arguments for barefoot running and while I still love my Brooks I am willing to concede that sometimes running on a cloud of cushioning isn't necessarily the best thing for the body.  One of the ultra runners in the book runs wearing a pair of Vibram Five Fingers (shown here) - they look freaking weird but people that wear them swear by them. I just saw a guy wearing them this past weekend in a half-marathon I ran. He passed me. Quickly. They may warrant more investigating.

This book was an excellent story, I tore through it within a few days and would highly recommend it as a motivational read. McDougall introduces several hilarious characters of ultra running. He tours us through ultra races around the country and to the (sometimes filthy) habits of their participants. But let's just face facts here - among stories of long distance running there is always going to be graphic discussion of inopportune bowel explosions. Not your bag? Yah, then put this book back on the shelf.

Monday, March 08, 2010

February's child gets a rodent shaped birthday cake

Yes - I'm aware, I've been absent from this space of the internets. Forgive me and call off the dogs. I attribute this absence to a few things: 
1. February sucks. I was uninspired and lacking in anything of interest to say. I can hear you now saying "What else is new?'. And to that I say - Shut your mouth.
2. Mild depression. Nothing involving pretty little pills or spiraling into a bottle. No no, this was more of a TLC, homemade cupcakes and really comfy couch type of situation.
3. Absence of the bf. He had a big work project out may have heard of it...a little project known as THE OLYMPICS? ring any bells? Anyway, yes I was very proud. And also very, very, extremely, absolutely and devastatingly lonely for exactly 39 days. The cat was no substitute for conversation or snuggling.

This is not to say that the entire month was a waste of a calendar page - I did manage to celebrate my 33rd birthday in style. And in this case style consisted of champagnesque beverages, karaoke, friends and red velvet cake!

Here's a cross-section photo of the cake so that you can see the delicious detail of layer after luscious red-velvet layer and the massive amounts of finger-licking buttercream icing. Oh gawd, I could die. It was SO good. And the best part was that someone else made it.

Big ups to my Bridesman Derek for creating this masterpiece for me. I had originally requested a cake resembling the grooms cake in the movie "Steel Magnolias". Some of you may recall that this was also of the red-velvet variety but was cut into the shape of an armadillo - of the roadkill variety. I thought this was appropriate given that I was born on a day dedicated to the nation-wide stalking of a rodent known as a groundhog. Damn that dastardly dweller of the dirt!

All in all, I'm glad those 28 days of darkness are over. Time to enter the month of lions and lambs.