Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sky (Ani)Mall!

In this months edition of "I'm bored on a plane and sitting next to an obese person and can't wedge my laptop out of it's crevice" - I got lost in the Sky Mall mag. Not familiar with this Pulitzer Prize winner of the sky? Well it's kind of like a mix between the Sears Christmas catalogue and Mad magazine. It's every single bad idea ever thought up by your uncle who thinks he can invent amazing things (usually after five or six beers). Now I get a kick out of vibrating socks and voice activated golf balls as much as the next gal - but what I REALLY love about Sky Mall is the shit they do with animals.

Exhibit A: Bad animals with adorable faces.

Clearly these animals have used their powers of cuteness to seduce a small child and then mercilessly rip his/her face to shreds. Either that or they've been caught stealing sips from their mothers blueberry schnapps. IMPRISONMENT!

Exhibit B: Dead animals make the best models

This theory was posed by my bf and has ruined several years of Classic Cats calendars for me. But c'mon, you've got to admit - there is no way that anyone managed to get a collie to lay still long enough to capture this shot. Therefore - dead collie.

Exhibit C: Sweet faced puppies can sell anything

I don't want to conceive of the day where I will live with dogs so small that they can't climb onto a goddamn couch - but these puppies can make a woman do unthinkable things. In my mind I've already starting writing an elaborate story along the theme of the cinematic classic "Stepmom". In this scenario the dog lying down is Susan Sarandon and the bitch climbing the stairs is Julia Roberts. There will be snuggling, there will be a heart-wrenching duet of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and there will be ass licking.

Exhibit D: Cats will always make you look like the asshole

These cats are WAY too cool for school. Not only do they make the inventor look like an asshole for coming up with these ideas but they SHAME you for even considering their purchase. SHAME!! I mean really - that cat on the toilet is giving you some serious smack talk right now. Turn the page, just look away.

Exhibit E: Fake animals judge no one

In the end it seems more reasonable to turn to fake animals for solace. And who wouldn't be warmed by the site of Harry Henderson's sasquatch or our favorite family of anthropomorphized meerkats?

Exhibit F: Although....

This little bitch just stole my soul.

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